How that MFA turned out and what it means for my ideal photography client…

N O W  P L A Y I N G // ‘You get what you give’ by New Radicals

Two years ago I packed up my office in the school where I had worked for sixteen years and I went back to university. Even though I really wanted it, it was one of the hardest transitions I have ever made. It was a hell of a change, from a very clear structure dictated by hourly bells and zero life flexibility, constant discussion and pressure about results, and never really having the mental space to engage with my own kids - to the total opposite of all of the above. And that’s ideal right? Strangely, it was so much harder to adapt to than I thought it would be. If you don’t know how that transition went, you can read about it in my very first blog post here.

Another 12 months on and I am finished. My results are in and although it isn’t something that we often allow ourselves to say, I am so unbelievably proud of myself. Not only for how it turned out, but for actually starting it in the first place. One of the biggest challenges I had after leaving teaching was the total obliteration of my identity. Not only had that taken a huge hit after having kids, I hadn’t really understood how much of it was tied up in the response to ‘so what do you do?’ Suddenly I had no real answer and that was hard. Certainly not one that many people accepted as pleasing to them - I got such a lot of ‘so what does that lead to?’ (who the hell knows) and ‘what’s the point of that, do you really need to get a qualification?’ (Have you met my imposter syndrome?) 

If I was to make an understatement about the process, it was a ride. The identity that imploded when I left teaching had to start from scratch and reform into a different shape. I didn’t so much as have a GCSE in Art, so starting an MFA from what felt like nowhere was a big step. Not to mention that I’ve been holding a serious grudge against my year 9 art teacher for 26 years, after she told me I didn’t have the skills and I should without a doubt choose a different option. 

Turns out though, it wasn’t nowhere. Sure, I had to google define+ every other word in the reading for a while, and almost every artist was new to me for even longer, but in the end, it was my absolute love for photography that helped me navigate the experience. 

As I went through the different modules my marks stayed up there, with some impressive peaks, and I was happy with that. I felt every single number, every single piece of feedback in a way that I just hadn’t before. I got into plenty of debates about whether the marks mattered and you can form your own opinions on that. After years of worrying about GCSE results, it’s a big question. What I did know was that they certainly hadn’t ever mattered to me like they did this time, I just hadn’t come this far to produce the same as I’d always done. In the second to last module my average nosedived because I hadn’t really understood the task. The teacher inside me knew that this was partly because it was badly taught but also this was the part where I understood I had to lean in and take responsibility for turning it around. I’d hoped that I would get a distinction overall and this made that look impossible. I needed to get a mark of 80+ in my final project and exhibition to turn the whole thing around and frankly that number just felt fictional. Who gets marks in the mid 80s? Maybe you do, I don’t know. 

You haven’t got all day, so I’ll swing it forward to opening my final mark for ‘All the things we do not finish’ and seeing it was 85. The strongest result I have brought home in any of my academic ventures and I was through the roof with joy. My inner 14 year old had finally stuck it to her year 9 art teacher and it was defining for me. 40 year old me will graduate in a bloody nice outfit, eat a really good lunch and then go home and read bedtime stories / debate about what constitutes too much Roblox time with her kids. 

So what does it lead to? I’m still getting that question and well, it’s easier to respond to now. Not because there’s a definitive answer, but because I’ve steadied myself. I’ve moved away from the only career I knew and observed the world from a different perspective. Going back to learning after years of teaching is hugely humbling to be honest, it flattened me for a while but then it opened my mind in ways I couldn’t have known. I don’t know if I’ll ever teach again, but if I do I know I’ll be so much better for remembering how hard it is to learn. 

I’ve worked with some incredible women who have given me their time, offered me their experiences and worked with me on my images. I’ve heard hundreds of perspectives of the relationship between motherhood and photography, and every day it fires me up to support more mums to be an active part of their family album. I say yes to so many opportunities that I would have hidden from two years ago, and I operate with the mindset of ‘what happens if..?’ This list doesn’t really scratch the surface of how this experience has made me feel, of how it has taught me to view myself. There’s no doubt some days are still a shitshow, but hell, if you have days like that then you’re my ideal client. If you’re real, full of messy feeling, and a little bit aspirational for a gorgeous aesthetic then I’d like to work with you.

Here’s to the next trip around the sun, building my photography business, and who knows, maybe writing that PHD proposal.